Stepping Back and Trusting

         Two years ago I signed a Personal Directive, just before my brain surgery. It gave responsibility to David, when making personal decisions on my behalf at the end of my life, to use his best judgement as to what he believes may result in the best quality of life for me.

         We are at that stage now.

         These days, I’m saying goodbye at another layer down. And it’s hard.

         For my whole life I have closely guarded my power and control, my safety and security and my need for affection and esteem. Here are some thoughts as I contemplate stepping away from these areas we all consider essential to life.

         Stepping back from power and control releases me from worry. The hand-off may seem awkward and things may fall through the cracks but they are no longer mine. As a veteran home-body and nest-builder, the hardest piece to pry my sticky fingers off of is the household portfolio. But these last several months my brain has struggled with executive function—making and carrying out plans. As it all becomes harder to do, my overwhelm mounts.

         Feeling safe and secure still involves some responsibility on my part. No one will be happy if I take a header down the stairs or wander away from the property unassisted. Thankfully I still seem to enjoy some sober judgement but I need constant monitoring.

         I am blessed with enormous affection and esteem from David and Annie. They love me, touch me, read to me, laugh and cry with me. This allows me to rest in their decisions. David created a manifesto of sorts titled Permissions and Limitations. It lists nine helpful encouragements. The first three are “Want what you want”, “Dreams are good” and “You are not crazy” (my current favourite). The list ends with “Julian of Norwich’s “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well”.

         So. That’s life in our little corner of Calgary. Again, so many have graciously stepped up. Friends supporting us in so many ways with prayers, kindnesses and notes of encouragement. I am truly gob-smacked by your care and commitment. All I can say is Wow! Wow! Wow!

Air hugs all around – I know, so unsatisfying as hugs…

Jeannie

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